Being a perfectionist is something fashionable and relevant.
If you don’t strive to make everything “perfect”, you have “no clue”. But where is the line between adequate perfectionism as a way to make ourselves and the world better, and painful self-blame and fault-finding?
Our expert psychologist Victoria Romanenko.
The opinion of the psychologist:
Perfectionism — the desire of man to bring everything to perfection, to make something perfect. The reality is blurred, and people can not objectively evaluate themselves and their capabilities. Intolerance of their own mistakes and the mistakes of others also tends to be a perfectionist. Man is ready to accept yourself and others only under certain conditions.
Perfectionists are not born, they become! Or rather, the parents raise this trait in children. And the beginning is the absence of unconditional love for the child, which is necessary as air since birth. To the development of perfectionism lead, seemingly the most innocuous of actions. Just at some point, the child begins to meet increased requirements. Either he will fulfill it at the highest level and best of all, it is either rejected by the people closest.
The child quickly learns the formula: did great — you’re good and loved, did worse than expected — you are bad and not needed (have no value itself).
Hence, further self-perception through the prism of the achieved heights and perfectly executed work. A person ceases to reckon with the reality, physical and psychological capabilities. For him there is only one rule: either I’m perfect and I can handle it, or I’m a jerk.
In school, perfectionism continues to be nurtured in a child, expect from him only the highest marks. The merging of the concepts of “own me” and “achievements”.
“I” becomes dependent on wins and losses.
Missing self-acceptance as holistic and unique individuals. Formed an erroneous opinion that the love of others can only be earned and nothing else.
Later such a child will turn into an adult who will build their own opinion about people solely on their performance and ability to execute everything “perfectly”.
And that’s only because he did not received a dose of unconditional love and acceptance in childhood. Therefore, no idea what could be otherwise.
Do not confuse perfectionism with a desire to do a good job or to achieve a goal.
A perfectionist suffers from failures and often comes to the absurd in the desire to get closer to the ideal.
People with healthy self-esteem calmly accepts as the best score and a miss, knowing that everything can be fixed. The “I” is not affected.
Thank you Victoria for this information. If you are a perfectionist to the bone, you need to relax a little and realize that
1. Only you can help yourself to change (you can seek the assistance of psychologist).
2. Not only you, but your loved ones suffer because of your obsessive desire for perfection.
3. Error is the way forward. Obstacles and failures a person becomes better and is able to climb up. Self-blame will never allow you to reach all heights.